Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
