I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
