I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
