Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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