Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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