remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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