Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
