We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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