I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
