you're like a bully in the Christmas story
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize