Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
