cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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