we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
