You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
