John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
