Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I love you. Go after that dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
