Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
