Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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