and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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