I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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