every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
