my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
