Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
