I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
