Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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