you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
