so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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