im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
