Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dick very happy bro
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
