Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
