you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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