Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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