My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
