I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
