Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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