Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
