The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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