I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
