I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
