I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
