He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize