I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
