I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
