if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
