God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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