Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
