my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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