I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
