we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
