Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
