I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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