At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
