I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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