I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
