Your face is a jimmy john
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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