shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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