my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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