I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
