whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
