Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Vodka?
Forever.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
