That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
